State of the Unicorn Address

State of the Unicorn Address

Lollicrats and Gumdroplicans, citizens of Funtimeland, I want to begin by talking a little about history. Long ago, both of the above-mentioned horselitical groups worked together as one to ensure the growth, success and protection of Funtimeland, a country founded on the tenets of life, liberty and the pursuit of marshmallows. They didn’t always one-hundred percent agree on things like unicorn education, healthcare, or the national budget, but they saw past their differences to make choices that benefitted all whenever possible.

But then, like a storm cloud over an outdoor tent party, dissent spread amongst the merry band of unicorns. The two groups started arguing about who had more marshmallows (a problem greatly exacerbated by the invention of the jumbo Jet-Puffed variety), who could build bigger cloud-castles and who was the best at solving unicorn crosswords (which are notoriously tricky every day, not just Sunday).

Before long, Lollicrats and Gumdroplicans wouldn’t even applaud for each other after rounds of musical toadstools, let alone gather together to talk openly about critical issues concerning Funtimeland. At that time, and still today, forces outside of Funtimeland worked and are working ceaselessly to penetrate the forests and dales of that great nation to rob the unicorns of their hard-sought marshmallows, destroy their starlight-driven energy system, and bring down their carrier pigeon communication and technology infrastructure.

Citizens of Funtimeland – palominos, chestnuts, pintos, and Appaloosas – I speak to you now! Now more than ever, unity is crucial. Whether you’re a Lollicrat or a Gumdroplican, you are both entitled to the rights and freedoms granted to all Funtimelandians and responsible for protecting our country and making it better for all unicorns.

You may be saying to yourself, “But I’m just an average Joenicorn – what can I possibly to do resolve these issues and overcome these challenges?” I have one word for you, citizen of Funtimeland: VOTE. Get out there this Whinnyvember and make your voice heard. Whether your mane lays on the left or the right side of your neck, whether you prefer Dum-Dums or Dots, you’re a valuable member of this great nation, and your vote counts.

So after all of that, you might wonder, what’s the State of the Unicorn? It isn’t perfect: conflict and disillusionment have struck us all, and hard times in the Farmer’s Market and clashes at the Foreign Rodeo have left us, some would say, a weakened country unfit to lead on a global scale. But I disagree. If we work together, if we can look past our differences in hide color, candy preference and marshmallow-earning scale, we have a strong future: a future where every Funtimelandian and member of the international unicorn community can stand tall and feel accepted, appreciated and empowered.

Thank you.

This post was, you guessed it, inspired by the State of the Union address. Funny story: I was sending a text saying “Just watched the State of the Union Address,” and my phone auto-finished “union” as “unicorn.” I thought to myself, “Harry my girl, if that isn’t equine inspiration to write a new blog post, nothing is.” So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed it, and more importantly, I hope you get out there this November and cast your vote for your favorite candidate, Lollicrat or Gumdroplican. We’re all in this together, folks; let’s make a difference together.

My goal isn’t to save the world one blog post at a time (alas), and I realize that this post may leave unaddressed the needs and voices of many other unicorns, but I hope that this exercise gives you a belly laugh and a few moments’ hard thought about our political system and how we can change for the better. Also, I beg the postmodernists to treat this metanarrative-tastic endeavor as pure pish-posh.

Rainbows, fluffy tails and joy for ALL. That’s my dream. – Harry Wollstonecraft Shelley