During the Nineteenth-Century, literary criticism was devoted to what they called Zeitgeist, or “The Spirit of the Age.” This means that they believed every time period had some great, essential thought ideas, and every work of literature could be studied as an example of the ideas of the time at which it was written. This theory has fallen out of favor, but it has sparked my interest and inspired me to uncover a new interpretive lens.
First, I will detail my thought process. If the Zeigeist theory seeks to find the common thread in each successive age, should we not also seek the thread that connects the disparate ages? This would give us a theory that can account for the whole of literature. This would be a sort of “unified literary theory,” much like the long sought-for unified field theory of physics.
So, what connects all of the ages together? Why, it is the oldest profession known to man: prostitution. Ever since cavemen began exchanging dead mountain lions for cavewoman tail, prostitution has been a fact of human existence. It stands to reason that it must also be a fact of human literature.
Pictured: A prostitute.
Shakespeare’s Hamlet? Hamlet’s mother trades sex with the new king, her dead husband’s brother, for her continued status as queen of Denmark and all the crown jewels she wants. What does that make her? A prostitute.
Pictured: Sexy, sexy embroidery.
Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter? Hester Prynne trades sex with local pastor Arthur Dimmesdale for lucrative embroidery skills. (It’s a little known fact that Arthur Dimmesdale taught her how to sew during their torrid love affair. He was a multi-talented pastor.) What does that make Hester? A prostitute.
Pictured: Prostitution.
Twain’s Tom Sawyer? Tom convincing the other kids to paint the fence for him is just another metaphor for prostitution. The act of painting the fence, which the children think is pleasurable, is a metaphor for sex. After convincing the other kids that painting fences is great, the other boys actually pay Tom to let them paint his fence…and they painted it all night long. Well, all day long, but you know what I mean. What does that make Tom? That’s right. A prostitute.
See? It’s all about prostitution. This new theory, which I call Prostitution Theory, will revolutionize literary studies. The next few years should put all those pesky literary questions to rest, freeing English students to focus on more important things like Star Trek or Dancing with the Stars.
All I can say is: You’re welcome.
Pictured: Isn’t Spock great? Hold on a minute…are they doing what I think— Spock, no! This is going too far. You can’t be a…you know what. Stop it this instant! STOP IT!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?
(Lady B runs away crying, a broken literary critic.)
English Grad Students Explaining Stuff 