If a child is fortunate, he or she grows up in an environment free from trauma and conflict, blissfully unaware of adult troubles and the darker side of the world. I was one of those children, for which I am extremely grateful. Growing up in a loving and supportive family, however, usually comes with a certain amount of shelteredness. Let’s just say that when life doled out portions of naïveté, I didn’t just say thanks and move on; I went back for seconds and wrote a thank-you note afterwards.
Given the liberal helping of sheltered-à-la-king that I gobbled down as a kid, it’s not surprising that I developed some pretty weird ideas of how the world-at-large operated. This post is an exploration of some of the more amusing ones.
1. Bad guys in movies
Ah, the justice system. A place where bad guys are pursued and captured by men riding white horses, and then placed in action films to face their bloody fate. Wait, what? Yep, when I was a wee one I thought that when a villain was killed in a movie, he or she was played by a bona-fide criminal and actually died as a result of the wounds inflicted by the hero or heroine. In my small consciousness, it made sense; after all, why would anyone want to kill a good person by making him or her play the antagonist who gets a lead sandwich from James Bond? So basically, every action flick was the plot of The Condemned, with or without beefy Vin Diesel look-alikes.
2. Movies in general
I also thought, Mensa member that I was in my youth, that all movies were live performances. This, unlike the thing about executing criminals for the purpose of civilian entertainment, can be traced to an actual event. I went through a phase around the age of four during which I watched Richard Simmons’ iconic 1988 film Sweatin’ to the Oldies nonstop for days at a time. Not surprisingly, my mother soon tired of watching Simmons and his spandex-clad cronies gambol around, and requested that I “Give Richard a rest.” So, also not surprisingly, I fell under the impression that every time I wanted to watch Simmons’ video, he had to drop whatever he was doing and sweat to the oldies just for me. This belief extended to all live-action movies, but not animated ones. I wasn’t that dumb.
3. “Making out” versus “Making love”
Yeah, I thought they were the same thing. In retrospect, this makes Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You”, that one line in “Brown Eyed Girl”, and Foghat’s “I Just Want to Make Love to You” seem way more PG-13 and way less likely to inspire the fury of Momzilla bloggers. Also, I had no idea that there was a difference between “making out” and “hooking up,” or between “hooking up” and “going on a date to the movies and holding hands on the way out.” This led to many confusing situations, and as a result a lot of people probably still think I was a degenerate tart (“That Harry, she’s always bragging about ‘hooking up’ on the weekend.”). Oh well.
4. The Mom Store
This one is a little more locally centered. During my childhood, I often passed a store called Mom’s Music Shop. The old-fashioned sign above the door, however, just read “Mom’s.” As a result, I thought that the store specialized in the manufacture and sale of Moms, and that if I grew dissatisfied with my own, I could (for a small fee, of course) purchase or rent my very own brand-new mother. This came in handy during arguments with my Mom, who was doubtless terrified when I threatened to “go to Mom’s and buy a new Mommy” every time she placed asparagus in front of me at the dinner table.
5. Life as a Hybrid (but not a Prius)
Sooooo, there’s just no denying how weird this one is. My favorite movie at age five was The Lion King – no, that’s not the weird part. I think alot of 90s children enjoyed the antics of Timon and Pumba and the gang (but not that awkward jungle quasi-sex scene between Simba and Nala: yuck). The strange part is that I somehow convinced myself, in my underdeveloped cerebrum, that I was a highly specialized half-human, half-lion hybrid. I would even intentionally sleep curled up like a cat, which isn’t really that comfortable if you’re not feline in origin, and occasionally lick my “paws” in public to clean them (which my mother probably explained to staring passerby with three words: lead. Paint. Chips.).
So, dear reader, next time the undersized adult in your life does something outrageously naïve, remember me and feel better about his or her future. I can’t think of a more decent conclusion (dried out brain is from final exam essay writing, ouchie!), so here are some wee pictures of the “Look of Disapproval” to compensate:
ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ▃ಠ ಠ▃ಠ ლ(ಠ_ಠლ) ლ(ಠ_ಠლ) ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ▃ಠ ಠ▃ಠ
Also, my apologies to Gina Eliot for (unintentionally!) stealing her thunder; her logical dissection of truck nutz will undoubtedly deal a hearty blow to the intellectual gonads of this post.
English Grad Students Explaining Stuff 